Panic attacks and shitting myself. What an opener, eh!
Well it seems that I don’t do things by half anymore, does it? Sitting on the toilet, just in from my run with mere seconds to spare I thought – was it the coffee earlier or the sprouts the day before? Something else I ate perhaps. Surely that’s the reason? Nothing else could bring about such a physical reaction.
Let’s rewind to about two days before. Stuff had been going ok, my mind was balanced and the panic symptoms I usually experienced fairly regularly were quite mild. Sitting at my computer I get a little ‘ping’ telling me that an email had arrived in my inbox. Now, this is nothing new, and in fact quite a normal occurrence. I get emails, lots of them, and usually I’m fine, but the content and tone of this one triggered me.
A hot flush
Just when you feel like you are on the up, two steps forward and all that, something sweeps in and pulls the rug from under you doesn’t it?
When the feeling invades, it’s pervasive, persistent, all consuming. There is no rhyme or reason for it, other than an in-built/ innate desire to run away and hide. From the outside looking in I know what it all means, but my body still betrays me, and so I’m left sitting in a whirlwind of panic and thought.
Can I make it in this industry? Can I make it to an interview? Can I even force myself to apply?
I have come to terms with the fact that I will most likely continue to experience panic attacks. But what they don’t tell you is the physical toll to your body, and what happens after an episode. Yes, with nearly shitting oneself being one of them! Fun.
Some things you can’t plan. Some things you can’t control. I didn’t expect to need the loo 3k into a 5k run. I didn’t think that when all this started over 18 months ago now, I would be back home hiding from the future. What if I am crap at my job? What will I be like when I get that next ‘permanent’ job? Will it be easy? Will the panic come back, harder and rougher than before?
I react to everything. The smallest of incidences morph into panic mountains, and after the dust has settled, I am left wondering – will I ever be ready?